Out in the Sun for Too Long: Fruit

What is the best kind of fruit? I ask myself this question on an almost daily basis.

If you ask me, the best kind of fruit doesn’t require a lot of work to be eaten. Some might say the raspberry. I don’t like those kinds of people. Raspberries are a false fruit. A kind of sinister scheme cooked up by bog farmers to spruce up their cranberry juices.

Cranberries get on my nerves as well. Why do they taste so bad? And why do they put them in so many juices? This must be some kind of conspiracy. Fifty years ago, cranberry farmers bought up acres of land from the U.S. government. Bogland, they called it. Finding that their barley crops could not grow, they had to find a suitable seed to plant.

Now, they have metric tons of cranberries that stink up storehouses the world over. What else are they going to do with them but stick them in our juice?

There are only two kinds of juices that matter: orange and apple. And even apple is pushing it.

Why do I want to drink the fruit equivalent of urine? It even smells like urine if you leave it out for two weeks on the window sill.

I used to know a man who spent all his day on his window sill. It was one of those big sills, that was trying to show off. He would open his windows and shout at the children when they came home from school. Most of them found other ways home and the man was forced to shout at squirrels when they came for his nuts.

He would keep large bags of nuts beneath the window sill. Said they got tangy in the sun. He should have tried cranberries.

If he grew cranberries instead of nuts, I bet he could have sold them all to the U.S. government and made a mint.

There are certainly too many juices in the market, if you ask me. I walked down an aisle once. I was looking for a new kind of foot ointment, since they haven’t made my brand since 1932. Every shelf was stocked with brightly-colored liquids. When I asked a man in an apron what I had stumbled upon, he said it was the juice aisle.

Most of them were cranberry juice. I never went back.

People ask me why I don’t peel oranges when I eat them. I tell them I paid for the entire orange and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste 10-20% of it. Most people just peel the orange and through the rind on the ground. I’ve seen pigeons try to consume an orange peel, only to be met with disaster.

The same can be said of grape seeds. Used to be, you’d eat grapes and spit the seeds into a cup. Then you’d give the cup to the local priest, who paid you in nickels. Those were good nickels. Could spend an entire day at the track, just on those nickels.

Now, people spit the seeds out on the ground for the pigeons to choke on. I guess pigeons need to choke on something. Not like they have much else to do.

What do I think is the best fruit? It’s simple: grapples.

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